problem with friends...

In the end of the 2005, I have been experiencing friendship problem.., probably the first time I really feel frustrating on friendship... It is something too complicated... so difficult to note it all down... I have never thought about I would have this kind of problem. Mavis, I have read your blog. Honestly I can't really get you... living together is all about compromise. We all from different culture, meeting different people. I never heard about what you heard. Something you may think is common sense, to me is redicious. Something I think important for living, which may never affect you. I just wonder why you could be that much upset. I guess, I am quite easy going and I seldom really refuse what you requested. I still think I m reasonable to keep the hearter on in the 0 C degree temprature. Please be careful your wordings. Words can kill. At least it do hurt me... I can't avoid myself to think about it for while day, I have questioned myself over and over. It do hurt. Jenni said she have no feeling coz she think she have done nothing wrong... mmm.. I think i m even more upset coz I believe I have done by best. and.., I do care what do you think... what those people i see them as friends think. anyway.. maybe you wont read my writing...

I have written and deleted over 20 times for a sentense... For all things I wrote, I had something to oppose or some reason to ban... Everytime I want to blame something on someone, I have thought about they must have their reasons, they mustn't mean that, or sometimes immature is forgivable..., am I finding excuse? But who is gonna find excuse for me? who is gonna at least tell me what I have done make you upset? It is probably non-sense to think about who was right and who was wrong, who have done what for who... as long as i am a good friend of them, i should understand, shouldn't I.

The worst thing is, when you think you have spend everything you can to treat others, and turn out they are not really appriciate... actually I haven't really expect any return from friends... When I have done something, have bought something for friends, in the moment I had already enjoyed... I just believe they are treating me the best they can. mmm.... maybe in my deep mind, I m expecting something return. mmm... otherwise I wont feel upset...

The night before yesterday I went to Henry's bday.... normally I am not interested in meeting Jenni's friends. honestly we always thinking in different way... having different sense of humor. But i should step forward a bit, isn't it. mmm... I did... I pretend... I ask myself to be happy... it's they way I should do, I guess. Living between a group of people should be like this. Can't be too yourself, if you are the minority. mmm.... to be fair... it was okay... nothing not good... people are nice... But, will I become one of them? new year... today.. join the party lo... yeah ... hai ya... happy la... please.... come on.. you shouldn't be alone... mmm when you feel lonely within a big group of people, you can feel what is lonely. where is my group of people??

Mike, miss you so so so much....~~
Tracy, miss you so so so so much....~~
Fat, miss miss you so so much...~~
Desman, miss you so so much....~~~
Leo, miss you so much...
Daat daat, really miss you!!
Lowee...
Tina, please come back earlier...~~
P.S. Really thanks for Jenni (first time I put your name here~~). Honestly I put my friend in my first priority...

mmm maybe I should go back. whatsoever... fuck that rent, fuck those bills, fuck that pixi... maybe not.